Stage 4

4. Depression. We start to feel numb and turn into zombies. Our anger and sadness may still be there but remains hidden and masquerades as a depressed state. We barricade ourselves in our home or apartment, close the drapes, and refuse to get out of bed. We call in sick at work and cancel plans with friends. We only answer the phone in hopes that it may be 'them' calling, and when we discover it's not them the cycle begins all over again. In order to break the cycle you need to reach Stage 5.

Stages that I have been going through pretty exact.
http://www.relationshipjourney.com/divstage.html

That sums up my state right now. I'm bored, don't know what to do with myself, just as quiet as I was before I was healed, have I regressed or is it just similar? How long will this last. For me the depression lasted for years between relationship. Hopefully the spring cheers me up - this winter is taking too long. I just hope this depression does not affect my clients I have to massage, as I noticed the other day the girl I worked on felt "sick" afterwards but that may have just been due to toxins being released.

I am sure others must notice it lately as people seem to not say much to me or invite me any where at school, and I find myself sitting alone at lunch lately.

But at least from reading that website above, I know what I am going through is completely normal reactions, and I am not "creepy."

Although, I am not sure if I ever want a relationship again, its too much work and has brought far too much pain into my life. Although I would very much enjoy like anyone else, someone to cuddle with, touch me, appreciate me when I come home, miss me when I'm gone, share their inner thoughts with me instead of hiding them in a book or confiding in someone else. I've been rejected and hurt so many times in this life, but I never thought she would. I just hope I can move beyond like this article claims people do.

I just want to be liked for who I am, not who I will be a year from now, if you can't like me for who I am then you never will, if you can't see me as the love that I am now, your eyes will never open, just because I may someday move on, have a good job, be independant, lose weight, and become self-confident will not change who I am. I will always be Todd.

I've been working for days on trying to fix a free laptop a friend gave me. I update their website, so they said if I can fix it, I can keep it. It was real nice to do, its worth over 1000 I'm sure since original retail value 2 years ago was 2400. A Dell Inspirion 8200, with DVD, Cd-burner, 15 high-res screen, nice sound, the works. All its needs is video card replaced, possibly a new hard drive and defintely a new battery last.

I'm still working out at the gym with Carrie, and my muscles are sore again, but I can tell I am getting slightly stronger, the massaging at school is helping too. My back has not hurt as much lately so I must be getting better at my standing. My tailbone and knees still hurt though.

My wife is starting to show improvements after three weeks, I can tell she is thinning out in her face and backside ;) Hopefully she keeps it up. Then she won't blend into the furniture as much ;P

Todd

I need to get out.

Sometimes weekends with the kids can stress me out. I'd very much enjoy being anywhere tonite hanging out, maybe drinking a beer and just watching hot young girls at a bowling alley or something. Nah, I'd be happy enough just driving around with a friend. It's so lonely here on weekends with just the kids, reminds me of how lonely and empty inside I was for years, and just leaves me time to sit around and think how much my life stinks right now, builds up anxiety.

I need release, hopefully I get a massage on Tuesday and that will help me calm down. I danced a bit in the kitchen tonite alone, I know I can dance even if it probably looks goofy and akward, but always had inhibitions about doing it in front of other people, I don't mind in front of my kids because they don't judge, or I don't care what they think, but maybe I should just see grown ups the same way, they don't judge and maybe I shouldn't just give a crap about what they think and maybe they will laugh at me the same way my kids do. Maybe I should take Dane Cook's advice and just "dance" screw girls tonite, just throw our shoes in a circle and dance. Maybe I'll grow some balls and ask some of the girls at school to invite me out some night. Maybe I am not motivated enough yet. Then I keep thinking they are young, they don't want a married man with 3 kids coming along but then I am not old either. I need to stop looking down on myself, I'm a good person, just quiet, and I know somewhere inside me is a fun person. My brother has no problem at it, but still just as miserable as I am ;)

Anyone want to take me out let me know. I'm broke though, so you're buying the beer.

P.S. Sorry, correction, Carrie is not a big poopy head. Although she calls me and the kids one all the time ;P She is a wonderful mother and provider, and if it were not for her I would be stuck living with my grandma developing lung cancer and gaining weight from deep fried food and sweet BBQ Utz chips. Thank you for saving me from that Carrie. ;P